Who said marriage doesn’t come with a guidebook?
Here’s one with a humorous twist!
Buckle up for a rollicking ride through the land of matrimony with hilarious advice for newlyweds.
We’ll escort you from the altar to your happily ever after, sparking chuckles along the way.
Because what’s love without a little laughter, right?
So, hold onto your wedding bands – these light-hearted tips are just what the marriage counselor ordered!
51 Pieces of Funny Marriage Advice for Newlyweds
Welcome to the comedy club of wedded bliss!
Here’s your 51-part stand-up special dedicated to the twists and turns of married life.
Be prepared to laugh, nod, and see your matrimonial journey in a funnier light.
Funny Marriage Advice for the Bride
1. Master the Art of Selective Hearing
Marriage is all about compromise, which sometimes means letting his ‘constructive’ criticism of your cooking skills go in one ear and out the other. After all, there’s a reason restaurants were invented.
2. Avoid Mystery in the Bathroom
Keep him guessing in your relationship, but never with a bathroom door closed for too long. Let’s just say that a little mystery goes a long way… just not there.
3. Learn the Language of Grunts
A man’s communication often comes in the form of monosyllables or grunts. Learn this peculiar language, and you’ll never be lost in translation again!
4. Develop Remote Control Skills
Mastering the art of negotiating the TV remote could be more useful than learning his mother’s secret pasta recipe. Never underestimate the power of a well-timed channel switch!
Keep your tech devices powered up at all times because once he borrows your charger, you may never see it again. Trust us; it’s a worthwhile investment.
6. A Dog is a Girl’s Best Friend, Too
If you thought diamonds were your only best friends, wait till you experience the magic of a furry friend. They are wonderful listeners and a guaranteed good-boy buffer on bad days.
7. Pillow Forts aren’t Just for Kids
Construct a cozy pillow fort for those days when adulting becomes too hard. Plus, it’s a great excuse to order takeout and have a Netflix marathon.
8. Keep His Stomach Full and Ego Bigger
Never let your man be hungry, or his ego feel small. Two things that can make any day better or worse!
9. Stock Up on Pink Post-its
Leave sweet (and sometimes sassy) notes for him to find. It’s the perfect way to add a dash of humor and love to his day.
10. Adopt the Role of Official Spider Assassin
Who needs a knight in shining armor when you’ve got a shoe and an unshakable determination to protect your domain?
11. Remember, Socks Have a Soul Mate Too
Finding the missing sock is like solving a thrilling mystery. If you can conquer this, you can conquer anything.
12. Embrace ‘Shabby Chic’
Learn to love the ‘shabby chic’ look – especially when it comes to his section of the closet. Sometimes, a little mess is just a sign of a life well-lived.
13. The Art of Well-Placed Sighs
Expressing feelings can be a full-time job. When words fail, deploy the strategic sigh – a universal language of married life.
14. Beware of the Dreaded Man Flu
When he catches a cold and acts like it’s the end of the world, remember to be sympathetic… and keep your laughter behind closed doors.
15. A Jug of Milk is Worth a Thousand Words
An empty milk jug in the fridge can be a source of spousal frustration. But remember, it can always be filled up again… just like his patience when you go on a shopping spree.
16. Fairy Tales Do Exist
Your Prince Charming might not ride a white horse, but if he goes on late-night ice cream runs for you, he’s definitely a keeper.
17. Love is Blind and Sometimes Snore-y
Snoring isn’t a flaw; it’s a testament to how comfortable he is around you. Invest in some good earplugs, and you’re all set.
18. Makeup May Fail, But Humor Never Does
On days when the mascara isn’t quite right, remember that a good sense of humor is the best makeup you can wear.
19. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Let go of the small annoyances like his forgotten dirty dishes. Focus on the bigger picture and the joy of having someone to share these tiny moments with.
20. Decode ‘Guy Time’
When he says he needs some ‘guy time,’ it’s your golden ticket to a night of self-care and a rom-com marathon.
21. Bathroom Mirror Messages Work Wonders
Keep a lipstick handy to write uplifting (or hilariously sarcastic) messages on the bathroom mirror. They’re sure to start his day with a smile.
22. One Man’s Junk is a Woman’s DIY Project
His idea of junk can be your next DIY project. A bit of creativity and humor can turn anything into a masterpiece.
23. ‘I Don’t Know’ is a Perfectly Acceptable Answer
When asked about the whereabouts of his missing stuff, “I don’t know” is a perfectly valid response. Keep the mystery alive!
24. Always Have a Backup Plan for Dinner
Sometimes the cooking experiment goes awry. Always have the number of a good pizza place at your fingertips.
25. Laughter: Your Secret Weapon
Always remember, a good laugh is often the best solution to any minor marital disagreement. It’s your secret weapon in the journey of wedded bliss.
Funny Marriage Advice for the Groom
26. Embrace ‘Shopping Cart Etiquette’
Walking aimlessly behind her in the mall is not an option. Take an active interest in the shopping expedition or, better yet, carry the bags and be the hero.
27. Acquaint Yourself with the ‘Look’
That certain ‘look’ she gives you speaks volumes. Learn to decipher it, and you’ll be one step ahead in the game of love.
28. Never Underestimate the Value of ‘I’m Sorry’
Two simple words, “I’m sorry,” can be your get-out-of-jail card for those inevitable foot-in-mouth moments. Use wisely!
29. Learn the Art of Complimenting
Master the art of complimenting, especially when she tries a new hairstyle. Remember, “it’s different” doesn’t count as a compliment.
30. Pick Your Battles and Your Chores
Helping out around the house will earn you brownie points, but not if you end up turning white clothes pink. Stick to chores you’re good at.
31. Master the Skill of Nodding
When she’s on a shopping spree or deciding on the fifth dress for the evening, a well-timed nod is your best companion.
32. Become a Closet Detective
If you can’t find your stuff, it’s probably in her handbag. Be a gentleman and ask rather than rummaging around.
33. Chocolate Fixes Everything
Bad day? Argument? Meteor strike? Keep an emergency chocolate stash. It’s almost always the perfect solution.
34. Learn the Magic Word: ‘Let’s Order In’
Sometimes, the best cooking is the kind you don’t do. “Let’s order in” is the three-word recipe for a happy evening.
35. Listen, Don’t Solve
When she shares a problem, she might just need a listener, not a fixer. Master the art of understanding when to simply lend an ear.
36. Embrace the Joy of Chick Flicks
Learn to appreciate chick flicks, and you’ll have the perfect recipe for a cozy date night at home. Plus, you might even enjoy them!
37. Trust in the Power of Unexpected Hugs
Surprise her with spontaneous hugs. They’re the perfect ‘I love you’ when words are unnecessary.
38. Be the Bravest Bug Squasher
Bugs, spiders, creepy crawlies – these little intruders can make you her knight in shining armor. Conquer your fears and save the day!
39. Understand the Language of Silence
Silence isn’t always golden in a relationship. If she’s quiet, it’s probably a good time to recall what you might have done wrong.
40. Become a Master of Apology Flowers
Know the difference between ‘I’m sorry’ flowers and ‘just because’ flowers. One will get you out of trouble, then the other will make her day.
41. Learn the Color Spectrum
To her, colors are not just primary or secondary. They are ‘turquoise,’ ‘scarlet,’ ‘peach,’ and ‘eggplant.’ Appreciating the entire spectrum can save you from a lot of confusion.
42. Embrace Her Friends (and Shopping Habits)
Her friends are her support system, and shopping is her hobby. Embrace both with a good-natured smile, even if it means countless hours of gossip and shopping bags.
43. Remember Dates
Birthdays, anniversaries, the day you first met – remembering these dates is your secret to a happy marriage. When in doubt, set a reminder on your phone!
44. Know When to Step Back from an Argument
If an argument heats up, take a step back, take a deep breath, and ask yourself, “Do I want to be right, or do I want to be happy?”
45. Learn the Art of Dishwashing
The couple that cleans together stays together. Or at least avoids arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes!
46. Discover the Joy of Unexpected Gifts
A surprise gift can turn an ordinary day into a special one. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive – a heartfelt note or her favorite chocolate bar can work wonders.
47. Embrace the Power of Cuddling
Cuddling is a powerful bonding tool. Even if it results in a numb arm, the happiness it brings is totally worth it.
48. Remember That Silence is Golden
During a disagreement, remember that sometimes silence is the best response. After all, ‘a closed mouth gathers no foot.
49. Learn to Love Her Favorite Show
Binge-watching her favorite TV show with her, even if it’s not your cup of tea, shows how much you care. Plus, it gives you tons of discussion topics.
50. Recognize the Power of a Compliment
Never underestimate the power of appreciating her cooking, even if the result is slightly burnt. She’ll appreciate the effort, and you’ll earn extra dessert.
51. Always Keep the Romance Alive
Surprise dates, handwritten notes, or simply holding hands during a walk can keep the spark alive. A little romance goes a long way in ensuring a happy, healthy marriage.
Wedding Speech Script with Funny Advice for Newlyweds
Prepare to get your funny bones tickled as we dive into the humorous reality of married life, delivering you laughter-infused wisdom that our newlyweds, and everyone else here, might find amusingly insightful.
Isn’t it amazing to be gathered here today, toasting the love story of our wonderful newlyweds, [Bride’s Name] and [Groom’s Name]? As we usher them into their new chapter, I think it’s only fair that we gift them a survival guide to the funnier side of wedded life.
[Bride’s Name], you’ve snagged yourself a man. And with that comes a newfound appreciation for the phrase “I can fix it.” In this context, ‘it’ can be anything from a leaky faucet to a wobbly table. ‘Fix,’ however, might involve a lot of duct tape and the firm belief that a little wobble adds character. Moreover, remember, the best time to ask [Groom’s Name] for something is during a sports game – he’ll be too distracted to decline!
Now, [Groom’s Name], you’re about to learn that ‘nothing’ never means ‘nothing’ when it comes from your wife. If [Bride’s Name] says she wants ‘nothing’ for her birthday, that’s your cue to put on your detective hat and uncover the ‘something’ she truly desires. And one more thing – become an expert at figuring out ‘we’ chores from ‘you’ chores. ‘We’ generally implies ‘you’ with a dash of moral support from the sidelines.
As you both embark on this beautiful journey, remember that in the realm of matrimony, love and
laughter are the twin engines that keep the plane aloft. When turbulence hits in the form of lost socks or questionable culinary adventures, just hold hands and laugh it out.
So, let’s raise our glasses to [Bride’s Name] and [Groom’s Name] – may your marriage be filled with love, companionship, and plenty of hearty chuckles. To the newlyweds!
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Funny Marriage Advice Quotes
Delve into the humor-tinged wisdom of marital life with these rib-tickling quotes.
These pearls of hilarity are certain to add a dash of laughter to your everyday matrimonial adventures.
1. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.”
2. “Always remember, love is blind, but marriage restores its sight.”
3. “In marriage, the key to peace is a good sense of humor, a poor memory, and selective deafness.”
4. “The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret, but a shared Netflix account helps.”
5. “A great spouse has two important traits: a good sense of humor and selective amnesia.”
6. “Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.”
7. “Marriage is all about give and take – you’d better give it to her, or she’ll take it anyway.”
8. “The four most important words in any marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”
9. “A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other… or the last slice of pizza.”
10. “The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest that he’s too old to do it.”
11. “Marriage: where ‘Yes, Dear’ is the correct answer to every question.”
12. “In a successful marriage, ‘I’m sorry’ means ‘I love you, and I value our relationship more than my ego.’”
13. “The secret to a happy marriage is understanding that a ‘discussion’ at 2 AM is never a good idea.”
14. “Marriage is like a fine wine; if tended properly, it gets better with age. The trick is finding the right cheese to pair it with.”
15. “In a marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship. So does chocolate.”
16. “In marriage, silence can be golden, but so is laughter. It keeps the gold from corroding.”
17. “Behind every successful man is a surprised woman… and an empty laundry basket.”
18. “The difference between an ordeal and an adventure in a marriage? Attitude and a punchline.”
19. “The formula for a happy marriage? Make sure the phrase ‘For better or for worse’ includes ‘For richer or for poorer in pizza.’”
As we wrap up this laughter-filled exploration into marital life, remember that humor is a secret ingredient in the recipe for a happy marriage. It binds hearts, brightens moods, and turns everyday trials into shared giggles. Embrace it, always!