Are humans superior to animals?
In terms of pickup, maybe not… some animals put us Homo sapiens to shame.
We can learn a great deal from the Casanovas of the animal kingdom.
So when it comes to picking up women, here are 9 animals who can teach us a few tricks of the trade…
1. Peacock – dress to impress
The peacock’s tail is a famous example of sexual selection, whereby an animal evolves a trait because it’s sexually attractive to the opposite sex. The peacock’s tail is nothing short of flamboyant.
The male possessing the largest and most colourful tail will win all the ladies. Why? Because an attractive tail is a tell-tale sign the male is fit and healthy. This ultimately means he holds successful genes to pass on to the female’s offspring, to ensure their survival.
In the wild, the peacock is just one of many examples of species where the males display the flashy colours whilst the females in comparison are pretty damn drab. In human society we have the complete opposite. Strange right?
So why aren’t us men the gaudy ones? Learn from the peacock. Dressing flamboyantly works. The term ‘peacocking’ is now a common phrase used today meaning to stand out in a crowd by wearing outlandish clothing and flashy accessories in order to gain attention from women.
2. Male Orchid bees – smelling good
Male orchid bees are the perfume connoisseurs of the animal kingdom.
Smelling good means everything to these male bees when it comes to finding a honey (excuse the pun). They travel long distances to collect a wide variety of attractive odors at no expenses spared.
The females are naturally drawn to the best smelling males who are rewarded with copulation.
Smelling good is a must when it comes to wooing the opposite sex. Heck why else would the global perfume market be thriving?
So make sure you keep on top of your personal hygiene – shower, clean, scrub, brush – do whatever you have to do. Remember, failing to prepare is preparing to fail.
3. Cuttlefish – the art of the approach
Don’t you hate it when you spot a girl you like, only to see her surrounded by competing males fighting for her attention?
Well this is no problem for the cuttlefish.
This savvy squid like mollusc can cross dress at the blink of an eye. As he sneakily swims his (or should I say her) way over, the other males ignorantly let him pass on by straight to the target female. He has the ability to show one side of his body as ‘female’ to the competing males, whilst the other side displaying his male complexion.
Pretty cool huh? A bit like a split personality.
How can we learn from the cuttlefish? Surely cross-dressing is a massive turn off?
Well unfortunately yes, despite our urge to experiment this newfound technique, it’s probably best to leave the stilettos at home… However we can take some advice from the cuttlefish – approaching under the radar is far less threatening and a surefire way to lower her defensive guard.
4. Red-capped manakin – ask her to dance
Do you have two left feet? Don’t worry… look no further than the red-capped manakin to teach you the moves.
He uses his dancing prowess to woo the ladies, and what impressive dancing it is. Michael Jackson has nothing on this little red headed champion when it comes to the moonwalk.
Although I’m not one to advocate the dance moves of Michael Jackson, being slick on your feet does give you an advantage in a club.
Like a first kiss, women learn a lot from how a man can dance in relation to imagining what they might be like in bed. So get practicing your steps.
5. Golden lion tamarin – good with your hands
If there is one animal that is highly skilled with their hands, it’s the golden lion tamarin.
When courting a lady, this adorable monkey uses his grooming skills to de-flea her loveable feelings, showing us the power of KINO (kinesthetic touch) to seduce.
Once you feel that attraction is mutual, the use of KINO escalation is paramount to lead up to the first kiss.
Testing the female’s reaction to touchy touchiness will give you a clear indication to whether the chance of a kiss is on the cards. An arm over the shoulder, holding hands and hair stroking are good KINO moves. Failure to use KINO will put you at risk of being friend zoned.
Take a lesson from the golden lion tamarin, but don’t assume she has fleas…
A massive bonus if you’re good at giving massages. The golden lion tamarin would give you huge respect.
6. White-fronted parrot – how not to kiss
So you’ve successfully attracted the girl and utilized KINO to escalate the seduction. What next?
It’s that all important first kiss…
This is the part where most people choke, and where one particular animal vomits. That poor animal is the white-fronted parrot – one of few animals to engage in the intimate affection that is kissing.
The male white-fronted parrot enjoys kissing a little too much, so much that he gets too excited and ends up puking down the female’s beak. Pretty gross…
Remind you of a certain resident of South Park, Colorado…?
If you think you should kiss her, then kiss her. You’ll know when the time is right. And when you do, try not to think of the white-fronted parrot whilst you’re in the moment…
Once you’ve kiss closed / number closed, its time to set up a date…
7. Seahorses – play the dating game
Seahorses like to take it slooow and steady by going on multiple dates before the act of fornication.
Two budding lovers meet up every morning at the crack of dawn to partake in an intimate dance. It’s adorable.
Dates are a great way to build trust and comfort. Providing you don’t blow it, they will evidently lead up to all things sex related.
If you want to build trust and comfort fast, instant dates are the way to go.
How do you do this? If you meet a girl in a bar, suggest taking her to a bar across the road. The more locations you take her to the greater the trust and comfort. You will create a ‘sense of distorted time’. This will make it seem like you have known each other forever.
So date suggestions… where do I taker her?
8. Blue Jays – wine and dine her
The first date should be a low-pressured event. Keep it casual, after all you’re still pretty much strangers.
Drinks are fine. Dinner is a big NO – way too formal. If you don’t get on from the outset it can soon turn into the most awkward drawn out affair. Which would probably result in you getting ghosted the next day… So give it a few dates before eating out.
Once all this dating is making you hungry, the wining and dining experience is where the blue jay comes into his own. He is a strong believer of the classic restaurant date.
When courting, the blue jay gives gifts of food to the hot chick (couldn’t help myself) to strengthen the bond between them. And we’re not talking a simple one-course meal, the blue jay goes the extra mile – Michelin star style dining and all.
Now you’re at the dinner dating phase, things are starting to get a bit serious… the possibility of sex will no doubt be playing on your mind. So don’t fall down at the final hurdle. Its time to invite her home…
9. Bowerbirds – Get your own pad
A bowerbird knows a thing or two about bachelor pads. When it comes to luring a female back to his love nest, he knows how to make her go weak at the knees.
The bowerbird designs grand elaborate palaces fit for a king using just flowers, twigs and seashells at his disposal. Female bowerbirds choose their mate based on the male’s grand design skills. After all, if you were going to have sex, you would take a 4-poster bed over the back passenger car seat any day.
If you want to blow it at the final hurdle, tell her you live with your parents. There is no bigger turn off.
If you’re of age i.e. finished school / college / university and got a job etc. there is no excuse to be living at home. It’s time to be independent. Take a leaf out of the bowerbirds …nest – get your own pad and spruce it up!
Wrapping it up
So there you have it. 9 lessons from the animal love gurus who know a thing or two about the art of seduction. Although it’s probably safe to say that the white-fronted parrot doesn’t quite deserve the accolade of being called a ‘love guru’.
Although there are many other animals we can learn pickup from, there are always going to be a select few who set a bad example…. Believe me when I say this. Don’t EVER take advice from a giraffe or a hippo when it comes to picking up women, using their tactics might not go down too well… trust me.
Have these animal heart throbs taught you enough? Maybe you’d like to take it to the next level and see Ryan Gosling in action? We breakdown his womanizing skills in Crazy Stupid Love to show you how the Homo sapiens do it.
If you think we’ve missed any animals out, let us know in the comments below!